When Teens of Divorce Play the "Other Parent" Card

Q. I have had permanent care,custody and control of my 15 yrs old son [for eleven years]. My son wants to live with his father now. If I give the father custody, will I be required to pay child support to him? Would we have to go through the court system to do this? Or can we make our own agreement?

What are my rights and how much control do I have over this situation?

A. Let me answer your last question first. You have total control over the situation as far as deciding whether to give in to your son’s wishes, and whether you want to trust the father with caring for a teenager with whom it appears he has not lived for over a decade. That’s your call.

As a father myself, I’ve been through the teen years already (and they’re coming around again, too, with my second son), so I’m sure part of your question is the result of whatever teenage angst your son may be dealing with. As you probably know, teenagers often say things and do things simply to get a reaction out of you, or just to be contrary. My oldest threatened to move out several times, usually in a heated moment, until we told him that he could do so, provided that he left all of the stuff in the house that wasn’t his -- things like the DVD player, the TV, the fully-stocked fridge, the mother who did his laundry. He stopped making that particular threat after that. But I digress.

I’m guessing that your divorce decree spells out the particulars of child support, visitation, medical coverage, and all of the various issues that go with raising a child. Those are always subject to modification upon a “change in circumstance.” It can be done by making an application to the court and asking the court to sort it out. It can also be done by agreement between the parties, and then memorialized in a court order. It can also be done without having to go to court at all. However, depending on the relationship you have with your ex, at the very least, you most likely want to memorialize whatever modification you make to the custody arrangement in writing, and have that agreement witnessed and notarized, just so everything is clear.

As for “giving the father custody,” it may not be necessary (or prudent) to do that. You can modify the custody arrangement to be “joint,” and make the father the residential parent (meaning that’s where your son would live). Depending on how close you live to your ex, you could share residential custody, three days at his house and four days at your house. (For schooling purposes, this would probably only work effectively if you both live in the same town.) These are just possibilities; there are dozens of other permutations to custody arrangements.

Child support is a separate issue. If you are receiving it now and your son moves in with his father, you will no longer be entitled to receive it. If he stays with you part-time, the payments would likely be reduced. Child support payments are usually affected by each parent’s income, and each state usually has a system for computing the amount of child support due from the non-residential parent to the other based on income, need, and various other factors. Of course, if you both agree to payments that are different from your state’s guidelines, you can incorporate them into an agreement and the courts will generally defer to your wishes.

Finally, as to the wisdom of this move in general, I don’t know your personal situation, and I don’t know what kind of relationship you have with your ex, or he has with your son, so I can’t begin to tell you whether this would be a good move for you, or your son. As I mentioned above, I suspect that your son’s comments are as much a part of the contrariness that goes with being a teenager as with any actual desire to move in with his father. I am aware of many instances when a teenager expresses a desire to move in with the other parent, only to find that the non-residential parent doesn’t really want the child moving in with him or her. You may wish to spare your son this unique type of humiliation by discussing the matter with the father (if your relationship with him permits such discussions) so that he’s aware of the desire, and you’re both on the same page when you discuss it with your son.

As a final note, your son is 15. In less than three years, he’ll be able to do what he wants anyway. (In some states, he can already petition the court for a declaration of emancipation, if he wants to.) You can always use that carrot as a way to delay this particular decision, along the lines of, “You’re stuck with me until you’re 18. After that, you can do what you want.”

I know how hard it is dealing with a teen. I wish you well.